A Note on Self-Doubt

Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win by fearing to attempt – William Shakespeare

I live with a small black cat. Like most of her species, she likes boxes. Whenever there is a new box in the house, she must try it out, regardless of the size. I am the same. I love a good box. I love putting myself in boxes and staying there…I can think anyone can see where I am going with this comparison but here we are.

Boxes keep me safe and allow a structure to define myself – I am a teacher and for a long time I used my job as my box because the structure kept me busy and my it was a place to channel my creativity, but those boxes (although safe) eventually become damp and frayed. They can become places where negativity can become stifling and creativity dies in the face of complacency. So, here I am fighting my way out of my own box, for the sake of sanity and new neural pathways. Disclaimer – I still have a job.

Self-doubt has a way of becoming a place of comfort too – fears cannot be faced if we doubt our own abilities so we whine and complain instead of doing the things (we is me – obviously). Why am I carrying on about self-doubt on a website about books? Well, my aim here is to combat my self-doubt by challenging myself to review the books that I have read in the hopes of refining my writing skills and hopefully to inspire some humans to read more literature (which could lead to further self-doubt – who would want to READ my opinions on BOOKS?? It’s a tricky business).

I want to read and review books that I wouldn’t normally read, and bulk up my repertoire of ‘read’ classics. Also, reading is comforting and it is a pursuit that I have abandoned in the face of other life things. Reading should be a priority – I should be devouring books instead of chocolate. I should be waxing lyrical to my learners about Murakami, Camus and Rooney in a wood paneled classroom. There should be standing on desks and the savouring of phrases by brilliant writers … I am getting carried away.

Midnight – the magical and comforting creature with resting-worried face who lends her name to this website – is more adventurous than I am when it comes to boxes. She tries them all out, whereas I like to find one and overstay my welcome – so, in the spirit of all the things that make me doubtful, I am embracing new boxes and fears in the hopes that I might ‘win the good’.